Why cant i love him

Many of us have felt it: There's someone on our minds, and even though they don't feel the same way, we still feel the desire to build a relationship. Loving someone you can't have can take a toll on your mental health, and longing to be with them can be heart-wrenching. This type of emotional turmoil can feel unrelenting at times.

While you may feel like all hope is lost, it's important to remember that this person only plays a small role in the timeline of your life. Even if you're in love with someone you can't have, there are plenty of ways to work with your brain—not against it—to move forward.

Here, experts Jeremy Nicholson and Chloe Carmichael share five ways to get past unrequited love and how to move on the right way.

When you love someone you can't have, it's common to bury your feelings in an effort to avoid the painful realities of your situation. It may seem easier to push these feelings of grief away, but working through loss is an important step to get past the longing. "Sometimes we feel unrequited love because the potential partner seems so attractive and valuable to us," says Nicholson. "Other times, we feel unrequited love because we think an actual relationship might be possible, although not assured. This can happen when there is a friendship with mixed signals—or we misconstrue the interest of someone else."

Whether you're still in love with your ex, crushing on someone who's unavailable, or feeling rejected, taking the time you need to acknowledge your feelings (and feel your emotions) is crucial to the process of moving on. Sometimes, you might even find that the attraction isn't based on the individual, but the actual desire to be in a relationship.

"We may feel unreciprocated love simply because we enjoy the feeling," Nicholson says. "This can happen when we are in love with the idea of love itself, or an idealized soul mate, rather than the real person."

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? Rather than devoting your emotional energy to thinking of someone else, try to focus on the first person who deserves your love: you. "Part of why breakups can be so painful is that [everything] in our current environment reminds us of our ex," says Carmichael. "It can sometimes seem as if everything in our life reminds us of that person. One way to change this is to deliberately create new experiences to help the old memories start to recede. New experiences can also subtly reassure us that there are other possibilities in life."

This isn't a time for getting lost in the memories: It's a time for making new ones. Concentrate on your personal happiness, mental health, and physical well-being. By pampering yourself and practicing acts of self-love and care, you can put your focus to better use by improving your own life. When you make yourself a priority again, you’re taking a major step in dealing with unrequited love.

Don't be afraid to try something new, like traveling, signing up for a new fitness class, or learning a skill or hobby you've always been interested in. What's important is the choice to make a healthy use of your time, and allowing yourself to let go of hurtful memories.

When you're going through difficult times in life—whether in love or not—your support system can make it easier. Instead of spending time alone and shutting the world out, now is a good time to reach out to other people you care about.

Your friends and family can offer great support, guidance, and love. By being around people with positive energy who have your best interest, you can reshape your mindset and embrace their optimistic outlooks. "We were not meant to grieve alone, so consider making sure that you’re always with a supportive friend or family member for the first week or two," Carmichael says. Their experiences can also help you put your current situation in perspective, as they've likely been there before as well.

Close relationships can be a great emotional resource, and they'll provide you with insight and direction when it comes to moving on. "Obviously, a friend or family member doesn’t fill the void, but at the very least it can be helpful to surround yourself with support during a loss," Carmichael says.

When you love someone you can’t have, it’s not uncommon to feel frustrated with yourself for not getting over them yet. But remember that the process of healing takes time—and rather than setting high expectations for yourself, it's okay to be proud that you were open to love in the first place.

"If you thought your ex was perfect but they broke up with you out of the blue, you might consider [focusing on] their inability to make or keep a commitment to you," Carmichael says. Whether you were in a committed relationship or not, it's helpful to remember that the person you love is an individual. They may not be interested in a relationship with you, or they may simply not be in the right mindset for romance to begin with. Ultimately, it's best to use these feelings as a way to move on.

"Sometimes just realizing that a person is actually not the stable, reliable 'relationship person' we initially thought they were can help decrease that person’s desirability, thereby making it a little easier to move past them," Carmichael says.

While it's okay to still have feelings for this person, you have to make your peace with the situation. Accept the reality, but remember that it can take time. Don't be hard on yourself if you're not entirely over them—these transitions don't happen overnight.

One of the most important takeaways from dealing with unrequited love is the understanding that you will find love again. While it may feel like a happy relationship just isn't in the cards for you, this simply isn't the case.

"Sometimes we may obsess about the past as a way to avoid re-entering the dating world because, on a certain level, we are afraid of repeating whatever potential mistakes that may have led to our current situation," Carmichael says. "If you think this might be the case, make sure you find ways to learn from your past relationship and have support as you ponder dating again."

Self-care and building stronger relationships with friends and family can speed up the process. Once you're confident in your daily life again, it won't feel so difficult to open up to new people. Take a moment to think about it: If you can feel this much love for someone you're not with, the amount of love you'll find in the right relationship will exceed these feelings (in the best way).

Rather than giving up on love, look forward. It's okay to let this person go in favor of excitement for meeting the next person. While it wasn't meant to be this time, it's only a step in the process of finding what's best—and it'll be even better after looking back on this experience.

It’s been called a lot of things: unrequited love, the friend zone, one-sided love, etc. But it all boils down to one idea: only one person is in love.

It’s a good premise for a romantic comedy, but we all know how it usually ends in real life. So many people fall in love with someone who won’t return their affection, yet they still push on, hoping for a miracle. We’re not saying that it’s impossible; lots of people fall for the people who loved them first. That’s how human emotions work. Give enough love, and it’ll come back soon enough, right?

The problem starts when you don’t feel the same way about the person who loves you. In time, it might change… but the present situation is what it is, and cannot be changed at will.

Why don’t you love the person who loves you?

There are a multitude of reasons why one person might not express the same feelings as their admirer. They might have had a traumatic experience that keeps them from opening up to someone new, for instance.

They might be in love with someone else who doesn’t love them back, as well. Now, isn’t that ironic? They might be dealing with their own insecurities, which, in turn, prevents them from letting other people in.

Perhaps they just don’t like the person who loves them. It can be that simple.

What does it feel like to be loved by someone you don’t love?

You’d think it was a wonderful feeling, knowing that someone is willing to give their heart to you without anything in return. Objectively speaking, most people will sympathize with the love-struck fool, while they crucify the person who was reluctantly placed on a pedestal.

The truth is, most people don’t consider what the other party feels in this sort of situation. They only see the suffering of the one who’s giving all the love. Here’s what’s really going on with the person who can’t seem to fall for someone who’s head over heels for them.

#1 It’s a burden. Being loved is all well and good, but being pressured to love someone back can be emotionally taxing. You’re carrying the weight of their affection, but you’re not enjoying the benefits of it.

#2 It makes you doubt yourself. You second-guess why you’re not developing feelings for a person who loves you. Is there something wrong with you? Are you a bad person? You’re not. You’re just not in love. [Read: How to master positive self-talk and banish negativity]

#3 It makes you guilty. When pushed, you might consider actually agreeing to your admirer’s proposal because it’s the “right” thing to do. Remember, though, that there are no winners in that type of situation.

#4 It pains you to see them like that. Yes, they might be hurting because you don’t love them, but it hurts you, too, knowing that you can’t ease their pain.

#5 You find ways to make them stop loving you. You start fights, become a brat, or treat them like crap. In order to avoid being an asshole by rejecting your admirer outright, you inadvertently become an asshole by pushing them away at all costs.

#6 It’s difficult to push them away. They love you. You can’t change it. Neither can they.

#7 It’s hard to let them go. Their love for you starts to become your security blanket. Their affection starts to make you feel safe and cared for. The only problem is… you’re not willing to do the same for them. [Read: Ways to reject someone and what to expect afterwards]

#8 You think that no one else will love you if you leave them. You start to think that maybe this is your last chance at love. It makes you think that it might not be a good idea to search for something else, when it’s already there.

#9 You feel validated because someone loves you. Your ego has been fed so much that you fail to see that you shouldn’t be dependent on someone else’s affection. You feel needed and wanted, but it’s not by the person you need and want.

#10 You feel like crap because you can’t give them anything in return. Knowing that you can’t return the sentiment makes you feel like the worst person ever. It’s not your fault, but it sure feels a lot like it is, especially when people start trying to guilt trip you into giving your admirer a chance. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and you don’t know it]

#11 It feels awkward. You can’t convince yourself to feel any romantic feelings toward this person, so everything you do with them feels like a skit or playacting, leaving you feeling strange and out of sorts.

#12 You’re torn between wanting them in your life and letting them live their own. If you keep them around, it feels like you’re stringing them along. But if you make it clear that you can’t love them the way they love you, you’ll end up breaking their heart, and you’ll still be the bad guy. Lose-lose.

What should you do?

It depends on what your intentions are. Are you staying in contact with your not-to-be lover because you want to see things through? Or are you staying out of a misguided idea that you’re saving them? Is it out of guilt? Are you feeling socially pressured? Any negative feelings associated with the situation should be acknowledged and addressed.

When it’s a bad feeling, you’ll know that you shouldn’t be in the situation. If it feels good to spend time with someone you care about but don’t love, it’s okay; just make sure that you’re very clear and honest about where you stand. They should know that you are not in love and have no idea when or even if you’ll ever fall in love with them.

If you’re in love with another person, you should stop leading your admirer on. If you want to see other people, tell them that it’s over and that they should find someone else. It seems easy in the context of a how-to article, but we know that it’s not. When feelings are involved, there’s no easy way to break bad news.

Just know that your honesty is worth more than the effort you put into keeping the peace and placating your guilt.

Will you ever fall in love with this person?

The truth is that we don’t know–no one does. People fall in love when it’s right. No one can quantify or verify whether it’s already happened or not. Just know that loving someone means being able to see past the selfishness and egotism that comes with being liked.

Although it feels good to be adored, it shouldn’t come at the cost of someone else’s well-being. If you ever do fall in love with the person who loves you, just know that they wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if you weren’t worth it.

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