What does it mean when your partner stops making love to you

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I am at such a loss as to what to do and feel that I cant talk about this with anyone I know. It just feels embarrassing or too honest. My boyfriend and i started dating a year and a half ago. We immediately connected as friends and a month later, after a night of drunken fun, we had sex. I was just getting out of a toxic relationship and wasn't ready for a relationship or public dating but we continued sleeping together for months. It felt passionate and fun and I actually really enjoyed who he was as a person. We talked to each other every day and I looked forward to it. I started being able to see a future with him and fell in love.

Eventually, though I was terrified of being vulnerable to hurt again after my past relationships had ended so badly, after 4 and a half months of this, I took the leap and committed to an exclusive relationship with him. We used to have sex all of the time, sometimes multiple times a day. As I committed to him and only him, i thought we would be so happy and everything would magically fall into a place. I guess still had some hope for a happily ever after. When we became exclusive, the sex came to a screeching halt. We talked every day. He cuddled me and spooned me at night and softly kissed me goodnight and goodbye in the mornings, reminding me that he loves me. We spent every night together and carried on with routines, but still no sex. Feeling shy but like I had to do something about our sexual drought, I initiated things when we would be in bed and he would hold my hand and tell me he was tired. Night after night, I shyly pushed myself to touch him and kiss him and hope that things could progress but he always cut me off.

Months went by. The happily ever after train I'd accidentally secretly hoped for had been derailed. "Was it me?" I wondered. "Did I need to work out more? Maybe he wasn't physically attracted to me?" I decided to focus on my own confidence and hoped the rest would follow. It didn't. Many awkward conversations about our lack of a physical relationship transpired though. He assured me time and again that it wasn't because of me. He just wasn't in the mood. When he knew more he would let me know.

One day, he handed me his phone and I saw porn that was bookmarked on his phone. My heart dropped and in my mind, I immediately sunk to the ground on my knees in defeat. He still had a sexual drive. It had to do with me. I've developed such a resentment for the fact that I've been in two unhealthy relationships with men who constantly used my body and I found someone who i truly love, but he doesn't want to be physically intimate with me. I've had a rough sexual background that took years for me to move past, cope, and see sex as being a beautiful thing again. My boyfriend knows that I've been a little damaged in the past but how could I ever tell him that I had to move past being raped by three different men to the point of being drugged, beaten, threatened, and/or passed around over 100 times?

For years I saw sex as a punishment and it feels incredibly unfair that I've worked through it and I want so badly to experience positive intimate sex in a caring loving relationship and I can't. How is it that I could deal with these things, but he didn't want to have sex with me because he just "doesn't feel like it?"

If I told him how broken I have been, he would REALLY never want to have sex with me again. When we've had discussions about it, he's implied that I'm superficial for needing that in my life and made me feel shamed for bringing it up at all. I worried that having an open discussion with him about it could make things feel even weirder but at that point, it had been months and months since we'd last had sex so i felt I didn't have tons to lose. He tells me to give it time. I gave it more time but found myself looking to fill my sexual drive in other ways.

Before i knew it, I was web-camming with a stranger just so I could feel seen. It only happened one time and didn't feel worth it to me. Just sad that I had gotten to that point. More months went by. I found myself hitting a joint in a car after work with a friend and he kissed me. After months and months of not feeling touched, it felt nice to feel so wanted again. He kissed me and grabbed me and I insisted on keeping clothes on and then as we were kissing, he came. So now I had not had sex with my boyfriend in at least nine months and I cheated on him with someone that came in about five seconds in his pants. I drove away, horrified at my actions, crying. I told him that I had cheated and how far it had gone (minus him going in his jeans) and that our lack of affection was escalating to me looking for other things and that was a problem for me. I told him that if we didn't reconnect sexually, we were doomed. He didn't say much.

However, a few days after, he grabbed my hand in bed and put it on his hard-on. I felt optimistic that maybe we could have a sexual relationship again. Then he came in my hand in about five seconds. The same thing happened later. It didn't used to be like that. I know he's capable of having sex. A few months after that, he woke me up with it while we were spooning and then got behind me. I was so happy to be having sex again and it felt so great. Then it happened again the next week in the same positions. Then the next week, woken up and in the same positions. I took initiative and got on top for a while. His alarm went off during, I jumped off to turn it off, and he got soft. He said he'd gotten off already. I'm 90% certain he was lying.

So now, he's finally giving me just enough sex to get my by to where i wont break up with him but it feels like he doesn't want to look at me and pretend I'm someone else? The sexual aspect is the primary fault in our relationship and it feels like if I got better, so would we. Any plans I could be building for the future, I'm hesitant with because as our physical intimacy is this rocky, it feels like our relationship is unstable in my mind too.

I've thought of many possibilities as to why we are here. Was he gay? I've seen his porn history so no. Was there someone else? I really don't get that feeling either. I wonder if it's hard for him to see someone he loves in a sexual way? Is that common? I've heard of the madonna vs. whore thing. As soon he confessed his love for me and "won me' he stopped seeing me a sexual way. I miss being touched and feeling wanted in every way. I want to be kissed, touched, and feel passion again. All I'm looking for is to feel like i'm enough with someone. I love him and we've somewhat build a life together in the last year and a half.

He talks about the future all of the time and how we should buy a house, etc. Should I throw in the towel and give up on our relationship? Am I ready to give up a good relationship because of sex? I have no idea what the reason could be that he doesn't want to have sex with me but it makes me feel incredibly undesirable in every way and as much as I hate to admit it, has really hurt my confidence and made me needy, annoying, and desperate. Am I beating a dead horse? Am I hurting myself more? Should I say or do something or should I run?

Considering that money troubles are a top cause of a breakup (here are the other top clues you might be headed for divorce), it’s not a surprise that financial issues can cause rifts in even the most harmonious couples. “The results of unaddressed financial stressors in a relationship can cause negative feelings towards your partner, fear and anxiety, broken trust, depression symptoms and a lack of sexual desire,” says Crystal Hollenbeck, EdD, licensed mental health counselor in Orlando, Florida. “Combining finances, creating a budget, and agreeing as a couple on financial goals will increase the sense of closeness, trust, and security within the relationship.”

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Too many distractions

These days, it’s hard to sit on the couch and watch a TV show with your partner or go out to dinner at a nice restaurant without looking at your phone every five minutes. You don’t need an expert to tell you that those tiny screens can drive a seriously big wedge between couples. “If your answer is your phone or tablet and not your partner, it’s time to make some changes,” says Celeste Holbrook, PhD, sexual health consultant in Fort Worth, Texas. “Plug your phone in the kitchen and (gasp) get a regular alarm clock—even an extra 10 minutes connecting with your partner sans electronic devices can give you a great boost in your sex life and relationship.”

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Tension in the relationship

Wherever the conflict is coming from, whether he’s neglecting to pick up his socks off the floor or she’s forgetting to fish out her hair from the shower drain, if not properly addressed it can cause a rift between couples. “Any kind of tension that builds up and smolders is the death of sex,” says Claudia Six, PhD, San Francisco-based sexologist and author of Erotic Integrity: How to Be True to Your Sexuality. “You have to address the resentments, resolve the conflicts, apologize sincerely and learn to communicate more effectively.” It’s having these difficult conversations, she adds, that have the most potential to fuel your sex life.

Lack of exercise

When you get your heart rate up and start sweating mid-workout, your body is releasing what’s known as endorphins, or feel-good chemicals in your brain that put you in a better mood, according to McGill University experts. This alone can make you more interested in hitting the sheets with your partner, coupled with an increase in body confidence thanks to your hard-earned workout. According to a 2018 study, even small bouts of exercise “drastically” improved sexual functioning in participants. So what are you waiting for? Get moving! Even better, work out with your partner so you both enjoy the benefits.

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Infidelity

If one or both partners were unfaithful or micro-cheated, recovering a sexual connection can be difficult. “Whether it is the man or the woman who was cheating, the trust, which is such an important part of the intimate connection, has been eroded,” explains Wendi L. Dumbroff, a New Jersey-based licensed professional counselor. “This makes it difficult to fall back into each other’s arms.” She recommends couples therapy, but cautions that is not always enough to help couples to resume a sexual relationship. “Slowly reconnecting in ways that feel safe for the partner who was cheated on  can begin to heal and create intimacy between them once again,” she adds.

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Lack of body confidence

No matter your age, pants size or weight, not feeling confident is a major obstacle in the way to great sex, experts say. “Couples and sex therapy are useful to help partners communicate more freely around sexual issues, as well as helping to ensure that they can enjoy the sex that they do have,” says Dumbroff. “Additionally, practicing mindfulness exercises and learning to be present in the moment is very important to really being able to fully engage in a positive sexual experience.”

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Medications

Many medications can cause low libido or have side effects like vaginal dryness. Antihistamines can dry up all your membranes, from your nose to your vagina, explains Dr. Holbrook. “You may be feeling interested in sex, but need to grab some lubricant to make sure it is comfortable.” Always check in with your doctor about side effects before starting a medication and take some time to figure out any necessary workarounds, whether it’s lubricant, extra time in foreplay, or sex prior to taking your meds for the day, adds Dr. Holbrook.

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Religious or personal beliefs

Dumbroff explains that although someone may not be consciously aware of why they don’t want sex, they may carry learned messages from childhood that can penetrate deeply and show up in a lack of desire or even an aversion to sex. “Taking detailed sexual histories and learning about a person’s family of origin can help to unpack these beliefs and messages and bring them into the light,” she says. “A person may then be freer to explore their sexuality and can begin to create a new narrative around sex and what it means to be a sexual being.”

Erectile dysfunction

It’s not talked about much, but it’s more common than you may think, according to University of Wisconsin experts. The condition affects approximately 10% of men per decade of life (i.e., 40% of men in their 40s, 50 percent of men in their 50s, 60% of men in their 60s).

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“Men would rather avoid a sexual encounter because of what they see as their ‘non-working penis,’ than be embarrassed with a woman—even a significant other,” Dumbroff explains. “It may just be performance anxiety because of the one time they were unable to get or to keep an erection.” She recommends men first be checked by a doctor, especially if they’re suddenly unable to get an erection, as it may be the result of a genitourinary issue or a cardiovascular problem. Sex therapy can also help couples expand their definition of sex past the act of penetration, she adds. After addressing underlying issues, medication can work well for erectile dysfunction.

They want to spice things up

“Sometimes people realize that they may not be turned on by ‘vanilla sex,’ but rather that they are in fact kinky in their sexual preferences,” explains Dumbroff. She says this can spell trouble if their partner is not interested. “If the kinky person needs to have that in their life and cannot meet their needs with porn alone, a discussion about the possibility of finding it outside the primary relationship may be necessary,” she adds. Have an open conversation about each others’ likes and dislikes.

Pain

Sexual pain often prevents people, especially women, from wanting to engage in sex, according to Dumbroff. There are several reasons this very real pain strikes during intercourse, which is why she recommends both women and men seek medical treatment if they’re experiencing discomfort. “Some are definitely physical in their origin—an example is post-menopausal women suffering from dryness or women who have undergone chemotherapy, which can also create dryness and changes in the vaginal mucosa,” she says. “Lubricants and certain medical treatments can help with dryness as well as pelvic-floor exercises.”

Here Are 11 Causes of Painful Sex (and What to Do About Them)

Past sexual abuse

People with histories of sexual abuse—men and women alike—may avoid sex, explains Dumbroff. “Many times individuals have never even connected their personal history of abuse with their issues around their desire for sex, but the impact can be very powerful,” she says. “This most definitely requires couple and sex therapy, and the partner with the history of abuse needs to have control over the pace of what happens.” Learn what this woman managed to do after years of sexual abuse.

Whether you’ve been with your partner for just a few months or decades, self-care is an essential piece of the sexual desire puzzle. “Practicing good dental and bodily hygiene and keeping your hair groomed (including the vaginal area, beards and mustaches, underarms and legs and giving attention to your hair style and maintenance) are areas couples must give attention to throughout the entire duration of the relationship and not only when you are dating or have special occasions to attend,” says Dr. Hollenbeck. “Common complaints in this area are partners being turned off by gas, burping, seeing their partner dress up for work but not when they are spending time together, and the lack of bathroom privacy.” Communication is paramount when it comes to resolving these issues, as it’s impossible for your partner to know something is bothering you if you don’t tell him or her.

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Originally Published: October 07, 2019