Why am I so dumb and slow at school

We are all different. We come from different cultures, families, schools, and careers. We look different and have different brains. “Differences” of any kind tend to attract bullies, who prey on insecurities and fear. For me, the biggest bully I faced was myself. I was constantly calling my brain stupid, or lazy, or crazy, or all of the above.

Here’s how the conversation usually played out:

When My ADHD Made Me Feel So Stupid

Why can’t you remember when your mother was born or find your hometown on a map? How could you forget your own children’s birthday? C’mon! How are you supposed to make friends when you forget what you were talking about just two minutes ago? And you never get jokes, any jokes!

I tried to help you. I stayed inside studying for hours — trying so hard to remember things that the other kids got in minutes — but you blew it every time.

When My ADHD Made Me Feel Lazy

Why do you make the family leave for the day when you can’t take the noise? Kids make noises! Why do you forget to take the laundry out of the washer — every single time? Post-It notes and reminders are everywhere, but the dirty clothes are forgotten every single time! Remember? Of course, you don’t!

[Get This Free Resource: How to Rein In Intense ADHD Emotions]

When My ADHD Made Me Feel Crazy

How do you explain starting 15 hobbies and never finishing any of them? You tell people you want to change the world. Seriously? You can’t even remember to take out the recycling. How can you save the world? You can’t even save yourself! You are crazy!

How I Went from Stupid to Empowered

The bullying went on for years until I decided my brain was broken. I wanted to be normal and I thought a psychiatrist could fix it. So I went for tests and a couple sessions of counseling. I loved the comfortable leather couch in his office and the peaceful paintings on the wall. On the day of my diagnosis, I remember feeling happy and excited. The psychiatrist is going to fix me! I thought I will finally feel normal!

With a worried look on his face, my doctor delivered the ADHD diagnosis. I was elated and relieved — yes! finally a diagnosis. I wanted to hug him, but I restrained myself.

He seemed confused by my joyful reaction but started explaining the diagnosis and how ADHD medication could help. Predictably, I stopped listening. It was all blah, blah, blah after he mentioned medication. Yes! I thought. I’m getting a magic pill. It’s going to fix it all!

[Could You Have ADHD? Take This Self-Test]

A little while after leaving the office, reality set in. The new information flooded through my mind, triggering a roller coaster of emotion. I felt cold and lonely, panicky and defeated. I didn’t listen closely to the doctor. I really wished I had. I was scared about the medicine. What did he say it would do? What if it doesn’t fix me? I allowed my own thoughts to beat up my brain all over again:

I hate you! It’s official. We have ADHD and it’s on paper now. I always knew there was something wrong, but how do I explain this to friends and my family? I am stupid. I am lazy and I’m definitely crazy. What do we do now?!”

Don’t Think Why Am I So Stupid Anymore

Then something unexpected happened. My brain fought back for the first time: “STOP, just STOP! Don’t talk to me like that. ADHD isn’t the worst thing in the world. We just can’t focus on things we don’t like but so what? Doesn’t that happen to a lot of people?”

You are not stupid. You graduated from university with good grades. You are a talented graphic designer. You do what you love. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

You are not lazy. You might forget things, but your house is sparkling clean. You built a business. You had fun with your kids. Because you constantly need stimulation you took them hiking and cycling, swimming and boxing! YOU ARE ENOUGH.

You are not crazy. Okay, it was a little impulsive to quit all those well-paying jobs when you couldn’t make big changes, but you always stayed true to yourself and your values. As Steve Jobs said, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Finally, I felt at peace. I had vanquished my biggest bully and myself the way I am.

Today, I try to model personal growth for my two children. I try to remember that there is nothing broken. Nothing to fix. I have so much more empathy and I’m happier, too. I AM enough.

Postscript: I recently participated in a storytelling workshop held in a café in Budapest, Hungary, where I live. Click here to see my “Stupid, Lazy, and Crazy” video.

[Read This Next: How ADHD Ignites Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria]

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Just the two cents from a college instructor: the quality of your writing in this post is far better than most of the papers I get from freshmen and sophmores. You are not stupid. In addition to monkeymonkey's suggestions, you might consider speaking with your therapist about whether or not you might be helped by medication, i.e. stimulants, especially if the problem you have is an inability to really sit down and focus. Sometimes the difference between the "smartest" kid in the room and the slow kid is just a matter of sheer power of concentration.
posted by dis_integration at 8:09 AM on May 10, 2015 [69 favorites]

Also: some people are just arrogant jerks. Don't give one programmer on the internet who calls your code horrible too much weight.
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 9:08 AM on May 10, 2015 [4 favorites]

I can pretty much guarantee that many of your classmates are surfing Facebook because they have no idea how to get started and are too embarrassed to ask for help.
posted by yarntheory at 10:27 AM on May 10, 2015 [14 favorites]

I agree with the others - your writing indicates that you are definitely not stupid. And a one-year software development program sounds WAY accelerated and probably intended to appeal to people who already have some programming experience. It's no wonder you feel like you're drowning! Consider the fact that SW development is complex enough that many developers go through 4-5 years of college, often in addition to another 2 years of graduate school. It's NOT something you master in one year.
posted by joan_holloway at 10:30 AM on May 10, 2015 [3 favorites]

I just want to echo that your writing is clear, concise, and better than average. I just went through a round of interviews to hire an entry-level marketing/comms person, and we considered both people with a 2-year degree and a 4-year degree, and the quality of your writing exceeds 90% of what I saw in applications, and is certainly higher than 2 of the 4 people we interviewed. Chin up, play to your strengths - durinh this past search, I literally was looking for "a moderately intelligent person who would be happy at this pay scale and can write a cogent email."
posted by samthemander at 10:40 AM on May 10, 2015 [4 favorites]

I showed your question to my husband, who is a professional technical writer who works with software developers at a major game company you have definitely heard of. He said flat out "Nobody can write this well and be stupid. 85% of the developers I communicate with can't write this well." He went on to say that he thinks you probably have a pretty hefty case of Impostor Syndrome, that you might be a true beginner in a class with a lot of students who have previous informal experience, that you may even specifically have trouble with a standard reading/lecturing teaching environment, or possibly a combination of all three -- but "stupid" just isn't on the board for you.
posted by KathrynT at 3:20 PM on May 10, 2015 [7 favorites]

Another college professor weighing in to say you write way too well to be stupid, so cut that out. You're very intelligent. Period.
posted by spitbull at 5:04 PM on May 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also, since it sounds like you're worried about leaning on other students, I happen to be very good at school, and I honestly enjoy helping fellow students with exercises like that, provided that they're trying. I learn more because the other person has a different perspective on the problem and because I have to explain my answer (which often makes me realize I don't understand it as well as I thought).
posted by momus_window at 5:16 PM on May 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Is it worth investigating learning styles? I might be totally wrong, but it sounds like you learn best by discussing things with other people, as opposed to written information. Do you have a learning centre on your campus? If so, go and make use of them. See if they can help you learn how to learn.
posted by kjs4 at 7:33 PM on May 10, 2015

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