Published Tue, Jun 29 2021 10:48 AM EDTUpdated Thu, Jul 1 2021 9:18 AM EDT
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Since children do not come with manuals, parents often struggle to determine how to raise mentally strong, well-rounded and successful kids. Some parents are strict, while others are lenient. Some are vigilant, while others are distant.
If the question "What type of parent do I want to be?" has ever crossed your mind, it helps to understand the basics of different parenting styles.
The four main parenting styles — permissive, authoritative, neglectful and authoritarian — used in child psychology today are based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, and Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin.
Each parenting style has different effects on children's behavior and can be identified by certain characteristics, as well as degrees of responsiveness (the extent to which parents are warm and sensitive to their children's needs) and demandingness (the extent of control parents put on their children in an attempt to influence their behavior).
Common traits:
- High responsiveness, low demandingness
- Communicates openly and usually lets their kids decide for themselves, rather than giving direction
- Rules and expectations are either not set or rarely enforced
- Typically goes through great lengths to keep their kids happy, sometimes at their own expense
Permissive parents are more likely to take on a friendship role, rather than a parenting role, with their kids. They prefer to avoid conflict and will often acquiesce to their children's pleas at the first sign of distress. These parents mostly allow their kids to do what they want and offer limited guidance or direction.
2. The Authoritative Parent
Common traits:
- High responsiveness, high demandingness
- Sets clear rules and expectations for their kids while practicing flexibility and understanding
- Communicates frequently; they listen to and take into consideration their children's thoughts, feelings and opinions
- Allows natural consequences to occur (e.g., kid fails quiz when they didn't study), but uses those opportunities to help their kids reflect and learn
Authoritative parents are nurturing, supportive and often in tune with their children's needs. They guide their children through open and honest discussions to teach values and reasoning. Kids who have authoritative parents tend to be self-disciplined and can think for themselves.
3. The Neglectful Parent
Common traits:
- Low responsiveness, low demandingness
- Lets their kids mostly fend for themselves, perhaps because they are indifferent to their needs or are uninvolved/overwhelmed with other things
- Offers little nurturance, guidance and attention
- Often struggles with their own self-esteem issues and has a hard time forming close relationships
Sometimes referred to as uninvolved parenting, this style is exemplified by an overall sense of indifference. Neglectful parents have limited engagement with their children and rarely implement rules. They can also be seen as cold and uncaring — but not always intentionally, as they are often struggling with their own issues.
4. The Authoritarian Parent
Common traits:
- High demandingness, low responsiveness
- Enforces strict rules with little consideration of their kid's feelings or social-emotional and behavioral needs
- Often says "because I said so" when their kid questions the reasons behind a rule or consequence
- Communication is mostly one-way — from parent to child
This rigid parenting style uses stern discipline, often justified as "tough love." In attempt to be in full control, authoritarian parents often talk to their children without wanting input or feedback.
Research suggests that authoritative parents are more likely to raise independent, self-reliant and socially competent kids.
While children of authoritative parents are not immune to mental health issues, relationship difficulties, substance abuse, poor self-regulation or low self-esteem, these traits are more commonly seen in children of parents who strictly employ authoritarian, permissive or uninvolved parenting styles.
Of course, when it comes to parenting, there is no "one size fits all." You don't need to subscribe to just one type, as there may be times when you have to use a varied parenting approach — but in moderation.
The most successful parents know when to change their style, depending on the situation. An authoritative parent, for example, may want to become more permissive when a child is ill, by continuing to provide warmth and letting go of some control (e.g. "Sure, you can have some ice cream for lunch and dinner.").
And a permissive parent may be more strict if a child's safety is at stake, like when crossing a busy street (e.g. "You're going to hold my hand whether you like it or not.").
At the end of the day, use your best judgement and remember that the parenting style that works best for your family at that time is the one you should use.
Francyne Zeltser is a child psychologist, school psychologist, adjunct professor and mother of two. She promotes a supportive, problem-solving approach where her patients learn adaptive strategies to manage challenges and work toward achieving both short-term and long-term goals. Her work has been featured in NYMetroParents.com and Parents.com.
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One of the interesting things about being a parent is that there is great variation in how we raise our children. At the same time, there are many commonalities from one parent to another. In fact, there is enough similarity that researchers like Dr. Diana Baumrind have tried to group parents into four common parenting styles.
The Baumrind parenting styles are United States-centric and it is not clear how well these styles describe parents cross-culturally. Each parenting style varies in at least four areas: discipline style, communication, nurturance, and expectations.
Baumrind Parenting Styles: Four Types of Parenting
Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parents are often thought of as disciplinarians.
- They use a strict discipline style with little negotiation possible. Punishment is common.
- Communication is mostly one way: from parent to child. Rules usually are not explained.
- Parents with this style are typically less nurturing.
- Expectations are high with limited flexibility.
Permissive Parenting
Permissive or Indulgent parents mostly let their children do what they want, and offer limited guidance or direction. They are more like friends than parents.
- Their discipline style is the opposite of strict. They have limited or no rules and mostly let children figure problems out on their own.
- Communication is open but these parents let children decide for themselves rather than giving direction.
- Parents in this category tend to be warm and nurturing.
- Expectations are typically minimal or not set by these parents.
Uninvolved Parenting
Uninvolved parents give children a lot of freedom and generally stay out of their way. Some parents may make a conscious decision to parent in this way, while others are less interested in parenting or unsure of what to do.
- No particular discipline style is utilized. An uninvolved parent lets a child mostly do what they want, probably out of a lack of information or caring.
- Communication is limited.
- This group of parents offers little nurturing.
- There are few or no expectations of children.
Authoritative Parenting
What is authoritative parenting? Authoritative parents are reasonable and nurturing, and set high, clear expectations. Children with parents who demonstrate this style tend to be self-disciplined and think for themselves. This style is thought to be most beneficial to children.
- Disciplinary rules are clear and the reasons behind them are explained.
- Communication is frequent and appropriate to the child’s level of understanding.
- Authoritative parents are nurturing.
- Expectations and goals are high but stated clearly. Children may have input into goals.
What is My Parenting Style?
While you may hear of other parenting styles in the news, such as helicopter parenting, tiger parenting, or free-range parenting, many of these philosophies are extensions of Baumrind’s research-based parenting styles outlined above. Few of us fit neatly into one single parenting style, but rather, raise children using a combination of styles. Think of the four parenting styles psychology as a continuum instead of four distinct ways to parent. Ideally, parents can tweak their parenting style based on their children’s needs.
Factors in How Children "Turn Out"
- Relationships. We know from research that parenting does impact kids. Research shows us that the quality of the relationship between parent and child has a huge impact on brain development—the actual architecture of children’s brains is influenced by parenting. Numerous studies have found that secure, healthy parent-child relationships impact children’s stress levels, social-emotional well-being, and even academic success. The work of parenting is figuring out how to have a warm, high-quality relationship with your child while also creating rules and expectations. This takes time and practice, and willingness to course correct when things are not working.
- Temperament. Every person is born with a unique way of approaching the world—their temperament. Research indicates that a combination of family influence and genetic disposition affects how people approach and respond to situations. Temperament includes our activity level, emotional intensity and mood, how we react to new places, transitions, or changes, and our level of focus and persistence. In some cases, children and parents are similar in temperament and share many of the same reactions, perceptions, or opinions. At other times, children and parents may differ. In these cases, parents might need to adjust their expectations. As adults, we’re responsible for the quality and success of our relationships with children. Once we have insight into our temperament and our child’s temperament, we can learn to prepare children and plan or alter the environment, as well as our actions and reactions, to create a “goodness of fit.”
The Baumrind parenting styles offer a starting point for understanding how you generally parent. From there, you can individualize your style for you and your child, creating a “goodness of fit” that prioritizes strong relationships, clear communication, and effective rules and guidance.
Webinar: Getting to Know Your Parenting Style
When it comes to parenting styles, we all know that one size doesn’t fit all. So how can you ensure your parenting style is helping your child to thrive? Access the Bright Horizons® Family Matters webinar to find out.
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Written by: Bright Horizons Education Team
September 16, 2021