What causes a woman to lose feelings for her husband

Medically Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD

Living with libido loco? For a growing number of women, declining hormones, job stress, relationship issues, menopause, and other problems are taking their toll in the bedroom.

Loss of sexual desire, known in medical terms as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), is the most common form of sexual dysfunction among women of all ages. A recent study showed that nearly one-third of women aged 18 to 59 suffer from a lost interest in sex, and it's not all in their heads.

Unlike men's main sexual complaint, erectile dysfunction, women's biggest sexual problem is caused by a combination of both mental and physical factors, which aren't likely to be cured by merely popping a pill.

"Women's sexuality tends to be multifaceted and fairly complicated," says sex psychologist Sheryl Kingsberg, PhD. "Although we would love to simplify it so we could have the one-two or even a one-punch treatment, it doesn't tend to work that way."

But the introduction of anti-impotence treatments in the last few years has spurred more research into the causes of sexual dysfunction among both men and women, and effective therapies are available to help put the lust back into women's lives.

Contrary to popular belief, experts say frequency of sexual intercourse has nothing to do with sexual desire or satisfaction.

"One of first things I do in speaking to women who come in with sexual concerns is let them know that there is no normal frequency or set of behaviors and things change with time," says Jan Shifren, MD, an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School. "If it's working for them and/or their partner, there is no problem."

But when a woman experiences a significant decrease in interest in sex that is having an effect on their life and is causing distress, then it's considered a problem of low sexual desire or HSDD.

Kingsberg says that sexual desire is more than just an issue of low libido or sex drive. She says sexual drive is the biological component of desire, which is reflected as spontaneous sexual interest including sexual thoughts, erotic fantasies, and daydreams.

Kingsberg, who is an associate professor of reproductive biology at the Case Western Reserve School of Medicine says, "It's about your body signaling that it wants to be sexual. Whether or not there is any intention to act on it, we all have a certain level of drive."

That sexual drive declines naturally with age based on physiological factors. But sexual desire also encompasses interpersonal and psychological factors that create a willingness to be sexual.

"Above and beyond horniness, it is the sense of intimacy in the relationship," says Kingsberg. "If you are mad at your spouse, you could be horny but you're not going want to be sexual with that particular person."

Therefore, all of these aspects of sexual desire must be examined in order to determine the root of the problem.

Common causes for a loss of sexual desire and drive in women include:

Interpersonal relationship issues. Partner performance problems, lack of emotional satisfaction with the relationship, the birth of a child, and becoming a caregiver for a loved one can decrease sexual desire.
Sociocultural influences. Job stress, peer pressure, and media images of sexuality can negatively influence sexual desire.
Low testosterone. Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women's mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically.
Medical problems: Mental illnesses such as depression, or medical conditions, such as endometriosis, fibroids, and thyroid disorders, impact a woman's sexual drive both mentally and physically.
Medications: Certain antidepressants (including the new generation of SSRIs), blood pressure lowering drugs, and oral contraceptives can lower sexual drive in many ways, such as decreasing available testosterone levels or affecting blood flow.
Age.Blood levels of androgens fall continuously in women as they age.

Because a loss of sexual desire in women is caused by a combination of physical and psychological factors, it usually requires more than one treatment approach to fix the problem.

"For women, it is much more complex. They're not just complaining of one plumbing problem, says Shifren. "So we have to be more thoughtful in our approaches to treatment."

Once the factors causing low sexual desire have been determined, potential treatment options may include:

Sex therapy and/or relationship counseling. "Sex therapy is very effective for individuals and couples, and that is always at the top of my list," says Shifren. Sexual dysfunction usually affects both parties in a relationship and should be discussed together or individually with a mental health professional.
Changing medications or altering the dose. If the problem is caused by medications, a change of prescription or alternative therapies may be recommended. If an oral contraceptive is suspected as the culprit in lowering testosterone levels, a different formulation or nonhormonal birth control methods may be prescribed.
Addressing underlying medical conditions. Medical problems contributing to low sexual desire may require surgical treatment, such as the removal of painful fibroids or medication.
Vaginal estrogens. In postmenopausal women, vaginal dryness may be treated with vaginal estrogen creams.
Testosterone therapy. Although no hormone or drug has been approved by the FDA to treat sexual problems in women, many gynecologists recommend off-label uses of testosterone therapy for women with low sexual desire to restore testosterone to normal (pre-menopausal) levels.

In addition, several therapies involving testosterone pills or skin patches specifically designed to treat female sexual problems are currently being studied in hopes of FDA approval in the near future.

For example, Shrifen is involved in research using a testosterone skin patch to treat low sexual desire in women. Initial studies have shown that the patch significantly improved both sexual desire and satisfaction compared with placebo among postmenopausal women who had their ovaries removed.

She says a phase III clinical trial of the testosterone patch involving several thousand women worldwide is currently wrapping up, and results should be published soon. For the first time, this study looks at the effect of the testosterone patches in naturally menopausal women as well as those who have undergone surgical or early menopause caused by chemotherapy or removal of their ovaries.

When evaluating treatments for sexual problems, experts say it's important to recognize that there is an especially large placebo effect, which is based upon the user's expectations of the treatment. That's why drugs must be tested against a placebo (sugar pill) in order to scientifically measure their effect.

It also helps explain why many supplements claim to be effective in treating sexual problems, such as low sexual desire. Because expectations play such a large role in sexual desire, over-the-counter products may claim that they're effective, but it's likely just a placebo effect.

"It's really important for women to realize that any of the over-the-counter products they may use have not been tested for efficacy and safety," says Shifren.

Phyllis Greenberger, MSW, president of the Society for Women's Health Research says more women report sexual problems than men, but research and treatment for women's sexual problems still lags behind.

"For example, from 1990 to 1999, nearly 5,000 studies were published on male sexual function, but there were only 2,000 women's studies," says Greenberger.

But experts say research into women's sexual function is slowly catching up in the post-Viagra era.

"This is one of first times we've seen really high quality studies for sexual dysfunction in women," Shifren tells WebMD. She says that until recently, the only studies on women's sexual issues were very small, often short-term, and rarely well designed.

"I think it's very exciting, not only that we're hoping to have more products available for women, but that the studies are going on and they are well-designed studies," says Shifren. "It's really a good thing."

Author:

Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor

By Kelly Gonsalves

Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor

Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.

Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. Maybe she rejects your sexual advances whenever you make them, and it's been a long while since you've had sex with each other. Below are a few potential reasons that might explain why your wife is not interested in you sexually.

Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you:

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Working a full-time job in addition to running household errands and caring for kids can be exhausting and stressful, so some women may simply feel too busy and overworked to have any energy for sex. Particularly in marriages between men and women, women still do the vast majority of household labor and childcare, even when both partners are spending an equal number of hours at work. If that's true for your marriage, your wife may be holding onto some resentment over the imbalance.

What to do about it: Make sure your wife has some time to herself to relax and feel restored. Also, make sure you share the housework equally, including the mental load. If your wife feels less overburdened with household responsibilities—and sees you making an active effort to take on your share of the load—you might find she has more time, energy, and interest in sex.

This isn't a tit-for-tat sort of thing, though. You should make an effort to equally share the responsibilities because you care about her and your relationship, not because you hope it'll win you sex.

It's possible that you and your wife simply have different needs when it comes to sex. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partner—they simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Four in five couples dealt with a desire discrepancy1 in the past month, according to one 2015 study. Your wife may simply just not want sex as regularly as you do, and she may not even know how important sex is to you.

What to about it: Have an earnest, exploratory conversation with each other about what sex means to you both as individuals, and then talk about how you can create a mutually satisfying sex life that works for both of you. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. It may also help to learn about different forms of desire discrepancy.

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Perhaps there's a desire discrepancy between you, whether in general or just at this particular time in your lives, and you're both very aware of it. Feeling this discrepancy—or feeling like your partner is always asking for sex when you don't want it—can make the lower-libido person feel pressured into having sex. And pressure is a total libido killer that can set off a cycle of sexual avoidance, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A.

"Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. Some of it comes from knowing that your partner is unhappy," she writes at mbg. "There is also much more pressure on any sex you do have since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. Of course, all this pressure makes it harder for sex to seem to go well."

In other words, pressure makes for bad sex even when you actually end up having it, and all that pressure and bad sex might make your wife just lose interest in sex completely.

What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. Here's her full guide to overcoming the sexual avoidance cycle, plus how to support a lower-libido partner.

A woman may lose interest in sex, even in a happy marriage, if the sex does not bring her sexual pleasure. In particular, most women cannot reach orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. If a couple's sex life continues to follow a routine that doesn't tend to feel good for the woman, she may lose interest in having sex entirely.

"The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. "Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman's libido over time."

What to about it: Learn how to make a woman have an orgasm and how to make sex better for women. Also, expand your definition of sex. Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. Ask your wife what she likes and what would be sexy and pleasurable for her. Here are some foreplay ideas for inspo.

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

"Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. "Sexuality will often emerge naturally from their authentic emotional intimacy."

When's the last time you two had a long, heartfelt conversation? Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing.

What to do about it: Make time to emotionally connect with each other and rekindle your soul connection. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. Really connect.

If you're dealing with other problems in the relationship—an ongoing argument, an affair, disagreements about decisions related to the kids or work or money, literally anything—then those tensions may seep into your sex life. As sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, once told mbg, "There's a two-way relationship between relationship satisfaction and sexual desire."

What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Ask your wife about how she's feeling about the relationship, about you, and about your life together, and see how you can get your relationship back to a good place.

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herself—and the way her partner sees her. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes.

"The identity of a young parent can become entirely entwined with that of the children. We lose ourselves. We often have no relationship with our partner outside of that shared with the children," OB/GYN Susan Hardwick-Smith, M.D., writes in her book Sexually Woke. "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex."

Maybe you've started treating your wife differently, too—more likely a mom figure even to you, and less like a wife and lover and sexual being.

What to do about it: Make sure your wife knows you see her as a sexy being—compliment her often, give her simmering kisses and affectionate touch, and do these things without tying the gestures to requests for sex. Just do it to make her feel good. Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. Here's her full guide to prioritizing sex as parents.

One of the top sexual concerns women have is feeling self-conscious about their own bodies during sex. This is relevant for anyone with anxiety about their body (which, unfortunately, is true for the vast majority of women), but it may be particularly relevant for women as they age, go through childbirth, or simply experience changes to their body over time. If your wife has recently lost interest in sex, it might be tied to her feelings about her body these days.

What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn't really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support her—without making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks.

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. "As we age, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, less elastic, and produces less moisture. Blood flow to the clitoris and vagina decreases, and the clitoris shrinks. Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. Reaching orgasm can become difficult or seem impossible."

If sex is becoming harder, less pleasurable, or more painful to have, it makes sense that a woman may lose interest in having it at all.

What to do about it: Using lube can help immensely with vaginal dryness and pain, and including more clitoral stimulation and sex toys can help make sure sexual experiences continue to be pleasurable for your wife. It may also be helpful for her to speak with her doctor to see if there are other treatment options that might help.

Many health issues can affect a woman's sexual desire, from diabetes to chronic pain conditions to cancer. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. And lots of different health issues and life circumstances can affect your hormones, as can taking hormonal birth control (i.e., the pill).

All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managing—or she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drive—don't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. Start by considering and working through any and all interpersonal, emotional, and relationship issues. Addressing these issues will likely buoy your sex life naturally.

What to do about it: If you've talked about all the other reasons on this list and mutually feel great about your relationship (talk to her about this—don't assume!), then it's worth her talking to her doctor. Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido.

Just be sensitive to what she's going through: If she's dealing with a significant illness or painful condition, for example, it may not be appropriate to push for more sex at this time. You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. You can be honest while also being flexible and compassionate.

Depression, anxiety, stress, and other mental health issues are all linked to lower libido, as are some antidepressants. If your wife is struggling with any mental health issues, she may be less interested in sex at the moment.

What to do about it: Similar to any other health issue, it's important to be compassionate and supportive of a partner struggling with mental health. You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help.

Sometimes losing interest in sex with your spouse is a symptom of losing interest in the relationship overall. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to you—though just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship.

What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. Open a conversation with your wife about how she's feeling about you and the marriage, big picture, and go from there. Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to.

Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. And that's perfectly fine! It may not really mean anything bigger at all.

What to do about it: Remember that it's OK to not want sex with your partner sometimes. Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. If the lack of interest becomes an ongoing pattern, consider any of the above potential reasons.

Most importantly, talk to her about it! Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she's not interested in having sex with you.