How to tell you re not in love anymore

As cliché as it sounds, falling in love can turn your world upside down, changing your plans (hopefully for the better). But for every great emotion, there is an equal and opposite emotion that can result. Just as you can fall in love with someone you think is your soulmate, you can also fall out of love with that same person. If you have been in this place before or are finding yourself in this murky situation now, there are strong indicators to look for that can help you determine if you are falling out of love with your partner. Woman's Day spoke to therapists, relationship coaches, authors, and lawyers who share eight signs that suggest you may be falling out of love with your significant other.

If you are spending less time with your partner, thinking about someone else, and/or feeling apathetic towards your relationship, it may mean that you and your partner aren't right for each other. This doesn't mean that all is lost, though. As relationship therapist Susan Edelman says, “Most of these signs are fixable. You just have to be willing to openly discuss each issue and show you care enough to change the behavior.” There are also lot of resources out there to help couples rekindle their love, from therapy to counseling. But if you decide that you are no longer in love with your partner, it's best to tell them ASAP — for their sake and for yours, too.

Being honest with your partner about how you are feeling can be a scary conversation, but relationship therapist Jaime Bronstein, LCSW reminds us: "Don’t let fear stop you from following your heart." After all, "not all relationships are supposed to last forever, but by hanging on to one that is not meant to, you will be preventing yourself from finding the one that will," explains relationship coach and author of You Only Fall in Love Three Times, Kate Rose. You have to trust your gut and know that there is a twin flame for you out there somewhere. You may just have to take the plunge and leave your current relationship to pursue the one meant for you. So, if you are unsure about whether you are still in love with your significant other, read through these signs about falling out love to become more in tune with what you may be feeling.

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1 You spend less time with your partner.

If you and your partner have kids, then finding free time to schedule a date night can be a rare occasion. This, however, doesn't mean that you are falling out of love. But if that free time does pop up during a given week or weekend and you would prefer to hit the town with your best friends rather than spend time with your S.O., that could be a strong sign you are not as in love with them anymore.

​Neuropsychologist, ​psychotherapist, and NYS licensed psychologist Zonya Mitchell, PsyD elaborates on this point. "When we start to fall out of love, the healthy space we often give our partners turns to looking for other things to do; staying late at work, at a party, anything to lessen the time we have to spend with them."

Therapist and clinical mental health counselor Masharat Mujib, MCH-LP, agrees with Mitchell and adds that if there is "no desire to spend time with each other, this decreases intimacy/friendship in a relationship." And without that desire to be together, your love and deeper connection consequently begin to wane.

2 You don't have sex.

Lois Liberman, who specializes in matrimonial and family law, tells Woman's Day, "If you haven’t had sex in a year, there’s probably a problem. Either they’re getting it elsewhere or they’ve fallen out of love." Be mindful of the reasons why you and your partner don’t want to have sex and try to pinpoint them. Physical intimacy is a key part of a healthy, loving relationship, so if these reasons can’t be worked through, it might be that you’re falling out of love.

Rose adds on to Liberman's point and explains, "Couples who are in healthy, satisfying relationships will want to engage in sex, but it goes beyond that to enjoying the act of physical touch. This has to do with the space of emotional, mental, and physical intimacy that exists in a connection. The deeper the connection then the more physical touch will routinely become a part of a relationship, but once that intimacy no longer exists that space no longer feels safe or comforting and so there will be a distance in the relationship."

3 You have more negative thoughts than positive thoughts.

It's perfectly normally to have negative thoughts about your partner from time to time as no one is perfect. But if your thoughts about your partner have become predominantly negative, this can signify a shift in your relationship.

"If you take it even further and find that you are speaking negatively about your partner to others or constantly complaining about them, chances are you are falling out of love," says Mitchell.

4 You’ve stopped thinking of them when you’re not together.

Early on in a relationship, you can’t stop thinking about your significant other. And while its normal for some of that excitement to wear off, forgetting to factor your partner into decisions could be a sign of trouble. “You might think, how can I focus on going to work and raising kids when I’m thinking about my partner all the time?” says Edelman. "But consistently taking a partner into consideration is how people stay in love for a long time.”

Rose adds that one of the very first signs you may be falling out of love with your partner is that they are no longer the first person you want to tell about something that happened during your day. "Whether it is because they feel like they are being judged or even just not fully accepted, that emotional distance in communication is often one of the first signs that the relationship is ending."

5 You feel apathetic or annoyed.

When you begin a relationship with someone, each of your quirks eventually come out in the open. These habits can often be cute, endearing, and maybe even attractive to your partner. But if you begin to become annoyed by these tendencies so much so that you even get into fights over them, it suggests a shift.

While fighting can be normal part of a relationship (unless the fighting turns into physical, verbal, mental, or emotional abuse), there is a difference between engaging in a two-sided argument where both partners' feelings are heard, and finding yourself not even caring enough to vent. " If one stops caring and starts holding onto hurt feelings, this can be a sign of apathy. Love and hate are strong emotions but indifference is a the most tell-tale sign that a lover has stopped caring all together," explains Mitchell. After all, "It takes two people to be on the battlefield," says Bronstein.

6 At least one person seems distant and unhappy.

Bronstein places great emphasis on being honest with yourself and your current state of happiness within the relationship. If you no longer want to connect or talk as much, or answer questions quickly and curtly, these are all strong indicators that you are unhappy in the relationship. "It can be a depression of sorts," says Bronstein. That said, it's paramount to honor your happiness and walk away from someone that doesn't make you happy. "Very simply, if you aren’t happy then they aren’t the one."

Mitchell also stresses that staying in a situation where you are unhappy can lead to mental or physical issues. It is vital to tend to your needs by choosing to live a happy life. "This can be achieved by not settling for your circumstances and taking control by trying to change negative situations or removing yourself."

7 You’re checked out.

Once you check out of a relationship, you stop trying to find ways to improve the situation and just accept the less-than-perfect state as status quo. That’s a red flag for your partner, who may not know what they’ve done wrong, explains Edelman.

While Edelman says most of these signs can be fixed when recognized early enough, if you’re completely unmotivated to make a change or even discuss the issues, your heart may be too far gone to potentially fall back in love. "If one partner is looking to fix and the other partner isn’t interested then I think the decision has been made," says Liberman. Another you sign you have "checked out" of your relationship is that you no longer have future plans or goals to grow as a couple, explains Mujib. Both are strong indicators that your heart and head lie elsewhere.

8 You're thinking about someone else.

“If you find yourself thinking about your ex or someone else is more suited for you, that’s a huge indicator,” says Bronstein. And “if you are spending a lot of time in this place, that’s definitely an indication.” While thinking about someone else is different from actively engaging in an affair, persistent thoughts about a former lover or someone else who has entered your life are still a sign that you and your current partner aren't the right fit for each other. Mujib also points out that it would be healthier for a couple to break up rather than stay together if either of you have fallen in love with someone else.

In term of cheating, Bronstein explains that it can be a case by case situation. Sometimes being with someone else may confirm your love for your partner, other times it may affirm your thoughts that someone else is better suited for you. Cheating is a harmful, complicated situation, but the silver-lining is that a step away can help you realize you already have found your soulmate — or it can force you to let go of a relationship that, deep down, you know no longer works.

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