Show My first experience with death was when my paternal grandfather passed. But I wasn’t close to my dad growing up, so I hadn’t seen my grandfather since I was really young. My second experience was when my maternal grandmother passed. She was instrumental in raising me, so her death hit me pretty hard. Before she died in 2015, we believed our family was invincible. Death was a foreign concept to us. But after her passing, everything changed. I went from being unacquainted with death to seeing it often. In less than two years after my grandmother’s death, I lost my great aunt, two friends, and, most recently, my aunt. My aunt’s passing came unexpectedly, but I was fortunate enough to spend significant time with her in her last days. That was a first for me. I’d never held the hand of a dying person before, and it was painful to see her so different from her usual vibrancy. However, the experience brought me some understanding of death. While I’m far from a pro at handling death, I’m not as terrified as before. Dealing with loss is hard, but there are ways to grieve for your loved ones in a healthy way. Constance Siegel, Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) and lead assessment coordinator at Mayhill Hospital, assesses incoming emergency room clients and determines whether they’d be best assisted with inpatient or outpatient programs. According to her, most people actually neglect the grieving process, which can make it more difficult to cope. “Grief is a process. It comes in stages. There may be a denial, there may be anger, and these feelings may come separately or all at once. But, death is a process before the acceptance comes.” This is something I’ve learned firsthand and over time. Although death is no welcome friend, I know that I must grieve. These are the ways I’ve learned to better cope with death. It always takes a while for me to accept that loved ones are gone. It’s been less than two weeks since my aunt’s passing, and it hasn’t fully set in. I now know this is perfectly OK. “Grief has a variety of variables including age, duration of the relationship, and the type of death (traumatic, natural, sudden, etc.) that play into how one processes death,” says Siegel. In other words, we all face different circumstances with loss, so it makes sense that we take different amounts of time. For me, I eliminate some stress by not setting a time expectation for “acceptance.” Death is scary because it’s surrounded by mystery. It’s helpful not to put a time limit when you find yourself dealing with a loss. When my aunt and grandmother passed, I took comfort in knowing they had shaped the person I am. Growing up, I spent weeks at a time at my grandmother’s house, and many of my views on the world come from those interactions. But most importantly, she taught me to believe in myself. My aunt inspired me to see the world and always emphasized the importance of nutrition. I have so many memories with each of them, and I know they played huge roles in shaping my identity. As cliché as it sounds, I believe my loved ones live on within me. I’m grateful for their influence and know that I have the opportunity to pass their messages to my son so they’ll live on in him as well. Remembering this lifelong impact they’ve had on my life gives me something positive to focus on in times of grief. I can’t bring my loved ones back, but they’ll never truly leave me. Knowing this is comforting. When we picked my aunt’s final outfit, we chose a beautiful pale pink dress. It was bright and beautiful like she was. Those of us closest to her refused to wear black to her funeral. At first, we felt like we were breaking some unwritten rule. But we knew that someone as vibrant and carefree as she was deserved utmost beauty at her service. Nearly every remark that day was one of humor instead of sadness because she was a person who loved to laugh. Everything about her funeral, from the decor to the venue, honored her memory. It comforted our family to know that her service aligned so well with her core values. Living a life that furthers the missions of your loved ones is a wonderful way to honor them. Both my aunt and my grandmother believed education was important — particularly for women. So when I was in school, I worked hard for myself and for them. In adulthood, I learned that my aunt was cultured from traveling the world. Now that she’s passed, I plan to continue her love of travel and see many of the places she saw, plus some she didn’t. I believe there’s no better way to understand a loved one than to live some of their experiences. So, I plan to do just that. “Talk about the loved one, how much you miss them, and your good memories of that person,” advises Siegel. Just because we can’t see our loved ones after they’ve died, doesn’t mean we can’t speak to them. When my grandmother passed, I continued speaking to her. When I’m confused or just plain overwhelmed, it makes me feel better to talk to her. There are many belief systems that emphasize the importance of communicating with your ancestors, and it’s a lot less strange than it might sound. I even wear a few of her clothes when I feel especially down. Siegel says practices like these are the right idea. “I don’t suggest rushing through getting rid of your loved one’s belongings. Take your time to process, so you don’t inadvertently give away something you may wish you had later.” While my grandmother may not respond, I know she’s always with me. And I believe she’s still guiding my steps. Coping with loss can be challenging. It may take a while, but we learn to adjust to reality without our departed loved ones. Allowing yourself time to heal is one of the most important steps. Know the signs that you need help. For those with a history of depression, the grieving process may be more challenging. “If a person had depression before a loved one passes, they’re more likely to experience ‘complicated bereavement.’ This was removed from the last Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but once embolizing grief goes more than six months, it truly is depression,” says Siegel. Some may even experience depression for the first time after a loved one passes. If you need help, reach out to friends, family, or professionals who can provide you with options. There’s no shame in getting the assistance you need. You simply need to ask for it. Truthfully, death will continue to be a presence in my life, as it will be in yours. Losing someone will always be painful, but I know that it can get easier over time. I’ve learned to grieve without avoidance, and this is how I cope with death in the healthiest way I know how. What advice do you have for accepting death? Please share with me in the comments below. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez is a freelance writer specializing in health, sociology, and parenting. She spends her time reading, loving on her family, and studying society. Follow her articles on her writer’s page. Note: This guidance is general only, and may be affected by COVID-19 rules at the time, prohibiting people from viewing a body. Seeing a body immediately Some people who are suddenly bereaved have no choice over whether they ever see the body or not, because they see the body at a very early stage due to circumstance. Some witness the death. For example, people who witness the death of someone close to them in a road crash or a drowning or a sudden medically-caused death. Other people arrive at the scene of the death just after that death. For example, someone discovers a loved one’s suicide, or is alerted by someone else to the death of a loved one nearby that has only just happened. When recounting this experience later to researchers of sudden bereavement, suddenly bereaved people who witnessed a death or arrived at the scene shortly afterwards said they had an overwhelming desire to be beside the dead person; to hug and touch them and comfort them. They did not want the dead person to be alone and they wanted the dead person to be with someone who loves them. In other words, the bereaved person still felt their dead loved one had a “social identity” and needed nurturing [1]. Often suddenly bereaved people at this time will resist strongly any attempt by professionals or other carers to keep them away from their loved one’s body. The bereaved person’s experience of seeing their loved one’s body at this time will be different to seeing their loved one’s body later. There will be no control at this early stage over whether or not they see any visible injuries or physical damage to their dead loved one’s body. There will be no ability to prepare for the situation they find themselves in. In the case of violent disasters, it is often a chaotic, fast moving experience. Seeing a body laterAfter a sudden death there are usually opportunities to see the body in a more formal and usually much calmer setting, such as when it is laid out in a mortuary or funeral parlour. There are often many people who were close to the person who died, including children, who may wish to consider seeing the body at this stage, and who did not see the body at the time of the death. The decision to view the body of a loved one is a big decision. It results in a suddenly bereaved person experiencing something that usually creates a strong memory, central to the experience of the bereavement. This can be a memory viewed positively or negatively, or both. However, the feelings that result from that memory may change over time. The decision not to view a body is also a big decision. It can result in feelings of regret at not seeing the reality of the death with “my own eyes”. Arguably this is something that may be felt more often in cases of sudden death, due to the unexpected and unanticipated nature of the death, and therefore the feeling of unreality often associated with it. Research by Oxford University published in the British Medical Journal [1] interviewed people suddenly bereaved about their experience of viewing or not viewing the body of their loved one. It concluded:
Therefore, while many suddenly bereaved people may find the experience helpful, it is inadvisable to encourage a suddenly bereaved person to view a body. To enable a bereaved person to make the choice that is best for them, you can help by asking them relevant questions and providing them with relevant information. The below guidance helps you to do this. A body may be different in death than in lifeSome people who have been suddenly bereaved may want to view the body of their loved one because they have had a positive experience of viewing a body previously, for example a grandparent who died in old age. If someone dies of old age then their body in death often looks fairly similar to their body in life. However, when someone dies suddenly in childhood or in mid life their body may look very different to how the person looked when alive. This is particularly the case if their death was violent, or they had urgent medical intervention such as a major operation prior to death. A body may be different in death to life because:
Maggie says: “I had seen the body of my grandmother so I wasn’t worried about seeing my husband’s body. I knew that seeing my grandmother’s body had helped me come to terms with her death so I thought it would be the same when I saw Gary’s body. I just didn’t think how different it would be. Gary’s body was destroyed by the car crash. When he was in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital the staff had wired up his broken jaw and not bothered to tell me it was broken because he had so many internal injuries and other broken bones so they felt his jaw was unimportant information; a minor detail. But when he died and I went to see the body I was utterly shocked that his face looked so collapsed. I thought he would look about the same in death as he had when he was on the life support machine. I remember screaming “That’s not my husband” and running out. It was horrible. I felt terrible, and I felt I had behaved terribly, with no self control. This left me with feelings of misery and some embarrassment.” As someone helping a bereaved person, it is therefore useful to know what changes have occurred to a body, and, firstly, to tell a bereaved person that there have been changes, then, secondly, ask the bereaved person if they wish to know the details of those changes in order to assist them to make the decision to view a body or not. Some bereaved people may not want to be told about any changes to the body and may not want to view the body. They may wish to remember the person how they were in life, and not have this memory intruded upon in any way, either by being told what the body looks like or by seeing the body. Some bereaved people may want to be told the changes, but then choose not to see the body. Some bereaved people may want to be told the changes and then choose to see the body. Some bereaved people may want to discover the changes for themselves and not be receptive to being given information second hand. The viewing experienceCharlotte arrived to view the body of her sister. She was taken into an empty room with no explanation. With no warning, a curtain was swept back and she found herself within a metre of her sister’s body, on a table behind the curtain Charlotte says: “It was like a magician’s trick and a terrible shock. It made me want to run out of there straight away. I burst into tears and only stayed a few minutes. I really regret the way this made me feel and the whole experience.” John went to view the body of his son in a hospital mortuary. He was taken into a small intimate room containing only his son’s body. While he was in the room a member of the mortuary staff stood solemnly in the corner. “It was very strange. I had been anticipating this time with my son’s body and wanted it to be special and private. Yet this man was in the corner the whole time. I remember it made me feel very self-conscious and left me feeling like he was a prison warden; there to check I didn’t do anything silly, such as run off with the body. It didn’t give me a good feeling. It was such a vivid experience that I remember every single detail. I remember that the man was wearing a white coat with a small enamel badge on it of a steam engine. I have no idea why; I presume he was a train enthusiast. But I remember thinking “Why are you interfering with my private experience of grief by being there and making me think about steam trains when I want to be thinking about my son?” It made me feel unreasonably angry towards the man at a very difficult time.” Every detail about the viewing experience matters and every detail can be explained to a person who is going to view a body, before they view a body. As someone caring for the suddenly bereaved person, you can help by:
Every word mattersJane was only five when her father died. Her mother told her that “Daddy isn’t here anymore. His body is here, but the rest of him had gone away to heaven.” Jane, who is now an adult, remembers being shocked when she saw her dad’s body because it had a head, arms and legs. She had thought the word “body” meant his torso, so she thought she was only going to see his chest and stomach areas and that his head and limbs had gone up “into the sky to another planet”. If you are giving information to someone who is considering whether to view a body it is important to ensure that your information is understood. This is particularly important to check when talking to children, or people who are communicating in a second language or have hearing difficulties. Concentration is difficult when suddenly bereaved so important details may need repeating. One way to ensure your information is understood is to seek consideration through continued conversation and repetition. For example, “I’ve told you a few things that I’m just going to list again now. I’ve told you that you won’t be able to touch your dad’s chest area, and that only his head and hands will be exposed, and that his eyes will be shut and his skin colour will be purple due to internal bleeding. I’ve told you that a mortician will be present. Do you have any thoughts about what this experience may be like for you if you decide to see him?” Managing the experienceIf more than one person wants to view the same body, have conversations with these people about whether they want to do the viewing on their own or together. Sometimes viewing rooms may be small and get crowded easily, reducing the quality of the experience. Children’s experiences have to be managed with particular care, ensuring they are accompanied by an adult helper who will assist them appropriately to understand what they are seeing. It is also important for bereaved people to consider what they are going to do after viewing a body. Will they be able to sit somewhere safe and quiet and have a few minutes to themselves and an offer of a hot drink before facing the world again? What will their plans be for the rest of the day; will it be possible to do something relaxing, with people they trust and know, that doesn’t require extensive travel? Religious rules and ritualsWhen managing the experience, it is important to be aware of, and consider the implications, of any religious rules or rituals that wish to be followed by a person viewing the body, such as touching and preparing a body through procedures such as washing and wrapping, or only allowing certain people to visit at certain times. The importance of such rules or rituals to loved ones should be considered sensitively alongside any needs for post-mortem examination by pathologists and forensic scientists. Some families may object to the touching of the body by a non-faith member, but there is no rule for this in Hinduism, Islam or Sikhism in emergency situations. In Islam an invasive post-mortem examination (involving cutting open the body) is forbidden and it may, in some circumstances and in some countries, be possible to agree a non-invasive post mortem examination. It is important to be receptive to cultural and religious differences and consult with the family to identify their particular needs. Although there are some general rules, it is important not to make assumptions based on a religious or cultural background. However, knowledge of other backgrounds may make communication and understanding easier. IdentificationOften, the police require identification of a body; however sometimes no-one wants to view the body. In this case, some countries allow identification through a photograph, or through glass. Author note This information was prepared by Mary Williams OBE, chief executive of Sudden and Brake, the road safety charity, with advice on religious rules and rituals by Yunus Dudhwala, Head of Chaplaincy & Bereavement Services, Newham University Hospital NHS Trust, UK |