Dear Reddit, I feel terrible right now. Last night I got drunk and mistakenly thought my boyfriend was flirting with another girl. Rather than get mad at the girl, I took it out on my boyfriend and shoved him, asking him not to come over to my place, and was generally just mean to him in public, in front of friends.
I feel terrible for drawing such negative attention to myself and my boyfriend, who did nothing wrong. I was so totally in the wrong, and I feel terrible. I get angry at my boyfriend for no reason whenever I drink with him, and it's so embarrassing and hurtful to him.
What could this mean? I am so hurt by how much hurt I cause him, not to mention he social awkwardness of starting a couples fight in front of friends. What is the matter with me???
We'll do a little Facebook Live check-in at 10 a.m about the month's most popular letters. Feel free to swing by.
I am a mean drunk, specifically when I drink vodka. Not long ago, I was out with friends and was very intoxicated and having a great time. My boyfriend showed up and I was so happy to see him. Everything was fine, but then there was a shift in his personality when he noticed I received a Snapchat from his friend. I am very faithful to him, but he doesn't trust me due to his reasoning that I am "attractive." He began talking about breaking up, which he always does when he's mad, and I lost it. I was so angry that he had ruined my night, and I just went off. I don't remember much, but I know that I said things to hurt him. I said things I can never take back. They were absolutely horrible and I am so disappointed in myself. He used to be very emotionally abusive, and I cannot tell if I'm harboring some type of resentment toward him. He used to make me feel so bad about myself and who I was, so when I get blackout drunk I do the same to him. It's wrong.
I watched him cry that night, and thinking about it makes me cry. I am not like this sober; I worship the ground he walks on. I love him, but I just ruined our relationship. He won't speak to me, and I do not blame him. I am hoping once some time goes by he'll hear my apology. He did come back with me that night. I refused to look at him, so he turned my head and put his face close to mine. He kissed me and we ended up having sex. After, he asked to talk, but I drunkenly declined and told him to go. He reluctantly had his roommate pick him up. He said he knows that if he stayed, he would "wake up and see my pretty face and want to fix things."
It breaks my heart knowing I hurt someone I love so badly. I'm not a bad person – I constantly go out of my way for others. I love making my friends and family happy. So why is it that I treat my now ex-boyfriend so horribly when I drink so much? I really need help.
– I think I lost him for good
"I really need help."
Agreed. You need professional help, like real therapy. You need to talk about your drinking and your history of coping with emotional abuse. If you care about the people in your life – not just your ex, but also friends and family – you will get this help. Because there's no way your dangerous blackout behavior has only affected your ex-boyfriend. I would imagine that other people have worried about (and experienced) how you block out the world and have a "great time."
Your ex has no place in your life as you get this help. He set a boundary, which is great because you need it, too. You can't focus on fixing yourself if you're only interested in winning him back. Your goal needs to be learning how to be happy and healthy on your own. He can't be a part of the plan. (Also, he should be working on his own problems. Let's not forget that he's been terrible, too.)
If you don't know how to find a good therapist, tell your doctor what's going on and ask for recommendations. Start the process now.
– Meredith
Readers? What's the priority here?
You're a mean drunk. Stop getting drunk.
posted by RussHy at 8:53 AM on January 14, 2010 [22 favorites]
It is a myth that one's "real" personality comes out while intoxicated, because your "real" personality includes many things INCLUDING your inhibitions. Inhibitions are something we are always talking about wanting to shed, but they come from our values, morals, ethics, and charater and are there for a reason, they are an integral part of who we are. Alcohol diminishes inhibitions. What comes out is not the "real" you but a distortion of you. It is the alcohol talking, not you. Some people genetically seem to have more issues with this. Nothing to do with strength of character, willpower, etc, just different biology in terms of reactions to alcohol. People who experience this should probably avoid alcohol. It is not predictable when this kicks in.........counting your drinks won't work. It depends on factors like how much sleep you've had; how much, what, and when you've eaten; where you are in your menstrual cycle, other medications you are taking (including antidepressants), and many factors that have not yet been identified. We now know that women metabolize alcohol less efficiently from men APART from body weight issues. You are not a "horrible person". However, sounds like you experience a horrible reaction to alcohol which is a warning sign. Consider it like an allergy. Not everyone gets deathly ill from eating peanuts. Those who do...it's not their fault. But they certainly need to avoid peanuts! If they continue to eat peanuts knowingly despite the reaction, that is a choice, and not a very good one! what is referred to as alcoholism has many different versions: those who need to drink daily, those who are binge drinkers, and those who may not be alcohol dependent but when they do drink they have horrible reactions with unwanted reprecussions. The label of alcoholism is debatable and not very meaningful. What is meaningful is to make healthy decisions based on how alcohol is effecting the quality of your life. Good Luck!
posted by Lylo at 9:02 AM on January 14, 2010 [41 favorites]
I completely agree with what Lylo says.
posted by hermitosis at 9:03 AM on January 14, 2010
If you're a nasty person while drunk, either surround yourself with people who don't care, or stop drinking so much. And for the love of all that is holy, don't deal with your stress over the issue by drinking.
posted by mikeh at 9:11 AM on January 14, 2010
Are you angry at him for something? Has he done something?
posted by anniecat at 9:14 AM on January 14, 2010
I don't know that quitting drinking entirely is necessary. I mean, yeah, it will be the most effective way of making sure this doesn't happen again, but there can be a middle ground. I had a number of very similar experiences in my mid-20s, and the biggest contributing factors to Terrible Drunk Nights were 1) quantity/quality of food eaten before/during drinking and 2) hormones (I was skipping my period on birth control and it turned me into a crazy, miserable person... add to that a couple too many drinks and it was a nightmare). The hardest thing to get a handle on is at what point in the evening of drinks do you realize you can't have just one more glass- you're out having fun, talking, and wine is deceptively easy to miss that No More! point until it's too late. For me, it helps to start my evening of wine drinking with an awareness that I need to know when that last glass is going to be a bad idea. That, together with age and life circumstances, have pretty much completely wiped out Terrible Drunk Nights.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 9:33 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I had a girlfriend who would do this, but on a much more extreme level. Yelling at me, calling me all sorts of names really for no reason, but was generally pretty sweet when she was sober. I told her I didn't mind if she drank as long as she didn't drink to the point of becoming a raving, and sometimes violent person. Long story short, she didn't and I dumped her.
posted by Scientifik at 9:37 AM on January 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think that those imagining the boyfriend was mean instead are picking the wrong scab -- we need to give both the poster and her bf the benefit of the doubt. The important thing is that she is uncomfortable with her behavior, which she barely remembers, and I think there is a lot of good advice here in that regard.
posted by hermitosis at 9:42 AM on January 14, 2010 [4 favorites]
um, anniecat, a good girlfriend (boyfriend, husband, wife, paramour) kinda definitionally doesn't "shut down [their] "basic human empathy" section [to] become a mean, petty person" when they drink too much. i think the OP should feel bad for this, and is taking a good step to change it.
posted by mr. remy at 10:25 AM on January 14, 2010
I did the same thing when I was your age (10 years ago). It took me a couple of years to grow out of it, but now I'm not like that anymore. Maybe you'll change, too.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:40 AM on January 14, 2010
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