What was unusual and strange in the school the next day A house is not a home

It’s not unusual for kids to behave differently in different settings. For instance, you’d expect a child to act one way at a friend’s birthday party and another at her grandparents’ house. But the behavior of some kids — especially those with issues such as anxiety, learning disabilities, ADHD and autism — can vary much more markedly, especially when they’re at home versus school. This discrepancy can leave parents puzzled, if not upset, and worried that they’re doing something wrong.

Take the case of Sam, now 15, who is gifted but also diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD and learning challenges. His mother, Maratea Cantarella, who serves as executive director of Twice Exceptional Children’s Advocacy, recalls how challenges at school led to explosive behavior at home.

At school, between trying to please his teachers and interact with peers, “he was really working hard to keep himself in control,” Cantarella says. By the time he got home, “I felt often that he was just looking for a way to release all the built-up tension.” Release it he did, with 30-minute tantrums over homework or “really anything,” complete with screaming, throwing things, and sometimes kicking and head-butting. Afterward, when he was calm, she adds, “he would feel terrible shame and guilt.”

But for some kids, school is where their challenges are most visible. Chloe, 8, has selective mutism and social anxiety. Her mother, Kim Byman, says that at home, Chloe is a “fun, goofy, talkative, energetic girl.” But when she gets to school, she shuts down. She has never spoken to her teachers or classmates, though she participates in all areas that don’t require being verbal. She won’t ask to use the restroom; she waits until she gets home.

So why is it kids can perform so differently in different settings?

Some children may do a good job meeting expectations at school, but it’s such a struggle for them it will take its toll at home. Children with ADHD, anxiety, autism and learning disabilities “may be using a lot of their resources to follow directions or cope in the classroom,” says Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Once all these kids get home, “it’s challenging for them to conjure up the same amount of resources to manage.”

Meanwhile, she adds, many kids, including those on the autism spectrum, benefit from the consistency, structure, predictability and routine that come with their school environment. This often cannot be mirrored at home “because that’s not how life works,” she says.

At school, rewards and consequences are likely to occur in a consistent way that may be more challenging for parents to set up at home. Also, social modeling in school can help kids fall into line, literally and figuratively. Finally, teachers have no time for dawdling: If a child doesn’t follow a direction on the first or second prompt, the teacher will likely have an immediate consequence, whereas parents might end up allowing their child to avoid or delay the next step because they spend a lot of time talking about it.

Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a clinical psychologist and director of the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Service at the Child Mind Institute, notes that kids with some disorders, including anxiety and OCD, are very concerned about how people perceive them, especially when they get into the middle and high school years. So they really try to hide their symptoms. “Typically, we’ll see kids functioning at a higher level at school,” says Dr. Bubrick, “less symptomatic because they’re trying to maintain this social perception that they’re fine. And they tend to have a lot of embarrassment and shame around their symptoms.”

Another key reason kids do better at school: They feel safe to be “their worst selves” at home, secure in the knowledge that their parents will still love and support them.

“I think sometimes kids come home and it’s like when you take off your shoes and feel a sense of relief,” Dr. Bubrick explains. “Like, ‘Okay, I can be myself now.’” For kids who have done a really good job of suppressing their symptoms at school, at home, where they feel there’s no one judging them, “there can be an explosion of symptoms.”

As one mom of a 10-year-old with OCD recalls, at school her daughter would rock herself or doodle on a sticky pad to resist her obsessive thoughts, even though she was in distress. “So she would bottle it up at school, and then basically come off the bus at home and just explode,” she says. “Physically and verbally, she was very upset.”

This, too, can leave parents confused. “It’s common for parents to say, ‘I go to the school and the teachers say, Johnny is so lovely in class and I don’t see him squirming. I don’t see any of these things that you’re talking about,’” Dr. Bubrick says. “And then the kid comes home from school and he’s really symptomatic and having a hard time controlling it.”

For most kids, academic and social demands at school are above and beyond what they typically face at home, notes Dr. Lee. That may trigger problem behaviors in some their families never see at home .

Kids with challenges like ADHD and anxiety often have a very low frustration tolerance; asking them to be patient or persistent at school can be a big stressor. “That can be incredibly challenging for kids,” Dr. Lee says, “so we might see a lot of acting out in those types of situations.”

Similarly, children with social anxiety who have worries about how they’re being perceived by others, or children who have anxieties relating to performance, might not have any problem behaviors at home. But when they get to school and have to do math or read a passage aloud, they might engage in some negative behaviors to avoid that. “Acting out in this particular situation might end up being functional for them,” Dr. Lee says, “because if they act a little silly, the teacher might scold them, but then they move on.’”

When it comes to autistic kids, they may be allowed very ritualized or self-directed behavior at home, such as screen time or Legos. When they get to school, not being allowed to do those things, or having to wait for activities they may have free access to at home, can be very challenging for them. This can also lead to disruptive behavior.

One of Dr. Lee’s major suggestions is encouraging collaboration and open communication between home and school as much as possible. “If there are strategies or techniques that the child is really benefiting from at home or in school, can they be shared and adapted to support that child in both environments?” she says.

For instance, she notes, if a child is helped by being able to see a visual schedule in school, can one be created for home? “Similarly,” she adds, “if we know that a child really benefits from when/then statements at home — meaning ‘when you do this, then this will happen’ — share that with the teacher.”

Dr. Lee says the best way to create a collaborative relationship with the school is to “make sure you praise the teacher and value the work they’re doing in addition to giving them information about your child.”

For kids whose problem behavior comes out at home, Dr. Lee recommends that they get a chance to decompress when they transition after school: “It’s absolutely okay to have less stringent demands during that period of time for your child if they need a break. That said, it’s important for them to understand that the rules of the household still need to be followed.”

Dr. Bubrick echoes that idea, saying it’s vital to note how well-nourished and well-rested the child is. Coming home starving, after struggling all day to keep it together, is a good recipe for an afternoon meltdown. He advises parents to get kids back on track by giving them a snack and having them rest, allowing them to regroup to get a healthy start for the evening.

The tool most experts recommend to help kids manage their behavior, whether at school or at home, is cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. CBT has been adapted for many different kinds of emotional and behavioral challenges; what these specialized therapies all have in common is that kids learn self-regulation skills, or how to handle powerful emotions in better ways than acting out impulsively.

When kids use CBT skills at school, they are able to function better without having to expend so much energy, Dr. Bubrick explains. So when they get home, there’s less stress and the possibility of an explosion of symptoms. “The more kids practice these skills,” he says, “the better they get at them.”

Dr. Bubrick notes that with CBT, parents are included from the beginning, to understand their child’s condition and see what things they’re doing that are, despite good intentions, contributing to the problem. “We teach parents the dos and don’ts on how to parent a child with anxiety disorder,” he says. He gives the example of a child with OCD who is afraid of germs. A parent doesn’t do the child any favors by opening doors for him. Instead, the child must learn skills that will help him deal with his anxieties and compulsions.

Dr. Lee says behavioral parent training, which includes components of CBT, is often what is needed to assist parents in determining what’s going on in either environment and the best way to support their child.

This story reflects the challenges of being a teenager, and the problems of growing up. How does the author overcome his problems?

The narrator is a teenager who goes through a lot when he changes school, his house gets completely burnt, his pet cat gets lost; but he learns to overcome all of that by going with the flow and trying to accept all the changes taking place. Though difficult, he tried to cope up with all that happened to him. His new schoolmates when helped him in the time of distress, their genuine concern made the narrator realise their kindness and he befriended them, life became easier for him with new friends coming into his life.

Page No 54:

What does the author notice one Sunday afternoon? What is his mother’s reaction? What does she do?

One Sunday afternoon, the author noticed a strange smell. Then he saw smoke pouring in through the seams of the ceiling and filling the room very quickly. They could barely see anything. By the time they ran out into the front yard, the roof was already engulfed in flames and was spreading very quickly. His mother ran back into the house. She had brought out a small metal box full of important documents. She wanted to bring out important things from the house one by one. She was in a ‘crazed state’.

Page No 54:

Why does he break down in tears after the fire?

After the fire, he broke down into tears because it suddenly struck him that he was suffering a big loss. He realized that his cat could not be seen anywhere. Then, everything hit him at once − the new school, the fire, and his cat. That was when he broke down and cried.

Page No 54:

Why is the author deeply embarrassed the next day in school? Which words show his fear and insecurity?

He was deeply embarrassed the next day at school because of the state in which he was. The clothes he was wearing looked odd. His shoes were gone in the fire and he had to wear tennis shoes to school. He had no homework or books and his backpack was also burnt in the fire. Some of the words that show his fear and insecurity are ‘outcast’, ‘geek’, ‘wanted to curl up and die’, ‘zombie’, and ‘surreal’.

Page No 54:

The cat and the author are very fond of each other. How has this been shown in the story? Where was the cat after the fire? Who brings it back and how?

The cat and the author were very fond of each other. The author said that the cat was never far from him. He had rescued it when it was a kitten and he felt that it knew that he was the one responsible for giving it ‘the good life’. The cat had been so freaked by the fire that it ran over a mile away. A woman took it in and worked hard to find out whose cat it was. The cat’s collar had their phone number on it. However, their phones had been destroyed and disconnected due to the fire. The woman somehow knew that the cat was loved and missed. She eventually managed to bring it back to the author.

Page No 54:

What actions of the schoolmates change the author’s understanding of life and people, and comfort him emotionally? How does his loneliness vanish and how does he start participating in life?

The author’s understanding of life and people changed when at the gym class, he saw a big table set up with all the important things he had lost in the fire. His schoolmates had collected money and bought for him school supplies, notebooks, and all kinds of different clothes such as jeans, tops, and sweatsuits. He felt as if it was Christmas. People who had never spoken to him before introduced themselves to him. This genuine concern touched him. This was when his loneliness vanished.

He was watching his house getting rebuilt along with two of his new friends from school. After the fire, he had stopped focusing on his feelings of insecurity and had opened up to all the people around him. His life had taken a new turn.

Page No 55:

What is the meaning of “My cat was back and so was I”? Had the author gone anywhere? Why does he say that he is also back?

“My cat was back and so was I” means that he had found his cat and he himself had a new outlook on life. He got his cat back after he had lost all hope of finding it. He said that he was also back because he had a feeling of gratitude for his life now. Earlier he had a feeling of insecurity and fear regarding his new school whereas after the fire, the generosity of his friends and the return of his cat changed his outlook on life as he started participating in life and he felt that he was ‘back’.